continued ….
An effective listener can lead a conversation and greatly influence its outcome. When a listener begins to understand this little known power they can wield silent listening with great force. A listener can use his observational powers to perceive a speaker’s feelings and emotions. An effective listener will also hear volumes about things not said.
In a February, 2007 Business Week article, Carmine Gallo writes;
Only a small percentage of communication involves actual words: 7%, to be exact. In fact, 55% of communication is visual (body language, eye contact) and 38% is vocal (pitch, speed, volume, tone of voice). The world’s best business communicators have strong body language: a commanding presence that reflects confidence, competence, and charisma.
What does that say for a powerful listener with observational skills? The difference between what an effective listener would extract from a conversation (visually and audibly), and what a listener with a wandering mind would extract would be so strikingly different, it would almost suggest there were two separate conversations.
A capable listener can literally control a speaker through nods, subtle expressions and body language. A listener’s silent communication can stop a speaker in his tracks or encourage him to open up and express his deepest thoughts and feelings. This type of listening isn’t passive, weak or apathetic. In fact it’s dynamic and requires a good degree of skill and energy to resonate with the speaker while absorbing words, feelings and emotions.
Lenin could listen so intently that he exhausted the speaker.
~ Isaiah Berlin
A disciplined listener’s skills, strengths and perceptions continually grow stronger with practice. Through effective, empathic, high level listening, you will quickly begin to deeply understand the important people in your life. Now that’s real power!
I love the story of effective listening that Jack Canfield shares in his wonderful book The Success Principles. He says that during his year of attending Dan Sullivan’s Strategic Coach Program, he was taught a powerful communication tool to establish rapport and create a feeling of connection with another person.
He learned a series of four questions that he applies in personal and business situations. He asks the questions one after another. He said the first time he tried it was with his sister Kim. He asked the first question and listened to her response. When she had finished he asked the next question, and then the third and fourth.
By the end of the fourth question over an hour had passed. Jack said that aside from the few words he used to ask each of the four questions, he himself never said a word. At the end of their conversation Kim smiled and said to him, “That’s the best conversation I think we’ve ever had. I feel so clear and focused. I know exactly what I need to go and do now. Thank you.”
The four questions Jack learned to ask were;
1. If we were meeting three years from today, what has to have happened during the three-year period for you to feel happy about your progress?
2. What are the biggest dangers you’ll have to face and deal with in order to achieve that progress?
3. What are the biggest opportunities that you have that you would need to focus on and capture to achieve those things?
4. What strengths will you need to reinforce and maximize, and what skills and resources will you need to develop that you don’t currently have in order to capture those opportunities?
I have asked some similar questions of my own to people in conversation and the results are always amazing. Not only will I always learn something about the other person, but by resisting the urge to jump in with “my story” or “my advice” I have a more meaningful conversation and a feeling of connection.
In his informative and entertaining book Intelligence For Your Life, John Tesh recalls the time he interviewed the master interviewer and anchorman, Ted Koppel. As John so beautifully phrased it;
Asking Mr. Koppel questions in a live TV interview is a bit like biking with Lance Armstrong. You’re working, he’s not.
John said when he began his interview with Mr. Koppel he had his first question all written out and perfectly phrased. He began with;
“Mr. Koppel, you’ve interviewed some of the most influential people in the world. What’s the secret to being a great interviewer?” I waited for his answer. When it came, it took me completely by surprise.
“I listen, John.”
“That’s it?” I asked in horror.
“Yes, that’s it. I listen. I listen more than I talk.”
He then proceeded to dissect the basic questioning technique used by the rest of us. Ask a question. Get an answer. Ask another unrelated question, get another answer. And so on until it’s time for the next commercial break.
Koppel listens. Then he asks a follow-up question based on what he hears. Not only does he get great answers, but he honors his guest with his rapt attention.
Mr. Koppel’s point was this: most of us, whether we are on television or not, have forgotten how to listen to each other. We have an agenda, and we are not willing to let listening get in the way of it.
If you ever watched the intensity in which Ted Koppel interviews someone, you should need no further proof of the power of listening.
Learning to listen empathically is both an art and a skill that pays large dividends. If you can learn to master the skills of effective listening, you will discover its little known, magical powers, and transform your relationships and your life beyond what you can presently imagine.
