Most of us are completely oblivious to how we are viewed by our family, friends and associates. We are so sold on our interpretation and beliefs of who we are, what we are and how we behave, we cannot conceive that we may be viewed by others in a considerably different light.
How many people do you know that would readily admit to being dishonest? Probably none. Since we all “know” of dishonest people, there’s obviously a radical difference in perception.
If any of us were to point out, by way of example, someone’s dishonest actions, you can bet the accused will have a detailed explanation that would conveniently absolve him (in his mind) from having acted in a dishonest manner.
So what’s this got to do with criticism? Everything. For us to grow and mature it’s imperative that we learn to properly recognize criticism, then depending on the type, either forget it or learn accept it and act upon it.
If we’re not open to criticism, it can only mean we believe we’re living above it. If we’re under the delusion we’re above it, then the reality is that it’s literally impossible to grow. If we want to expand and develop as individuals we need to be open to criticism and put aside our natural tendency to defend or counterattack. In fact, being able to accept criticism can be one of the most valuable tools you can acquire toward becoming the person you aspire to be.
- Accepting criticism doesn’t mean you set yourself up to be a verbal punching bag for anyone to strike.
- Accepting criticism doesn’t mean you have to completely agree with the comments and observations of the criticizer.
- Accepting criticism really means holding your tongue, your emotions and your natural inclinations long enough to listen so that you can give yourself the opportunity for self-reflection and subsequent improvement.
Types of Criticism
There are, I think, three types of criticism: constructive, casual and malicious.
Constructive criticism is the kind given by someone with honorable intentions. They see us doing something wrong or they see how we can improve in some area and they offer the benefit of their caring, wisdom and experience.
Casual criticism might be something as ineffectual as an offhand comment. Someone might jokingly say, “You’re such a slob!” and in the manner in which they said it our response might be equally offhand as we reply, “Yep, that’s me!” Casual criticism might also be simple advice for improvement such as; “If you applied yourself toward your studies you would master any subject.” This could be interpreted as a compliment as much as it could be interpreted as a criticism.
The third type of criticism is malicious. Its sole intent is to hurt.
Perceived Criticism
There is a fourth type of criticism, which I haven’t listed among the three, because technically it’s not a criticism, it’s just perceived as criticism. This is the area that causes untold problems and is often the chief cause of misunderstanding and bitter feuds. We’ll look at “perceived” criticism last.
Let’s begin by examining the three types of criticism.
As was stated earlier, criticism is not only a part of life, it can be a vitally important part of life if we want to grow in wisdom and maturity. All of us have a natural tendency to avoid criticism, and if it becomes unavoidable we will often reject it with all manner of anger, excuses, and defenses … rational and otherwise. In some cases this reaction is perfectly justifiable, in most cases it isn’t. So unless you are convinced you’re perfect, let’s begin to see criticism from several angles.
Malicious Criticism
For all intents and purposes, we’re going to consider malicious criticism as just that … its intent is to inflict hurt. It’s important to us only is so far as we need to properly recognize it and categorize it for what it is. When we receive this type of criticism think of the general rule of martial arts – deflection. When someone’s intent is to injure, do not meet force with force, simply deflect the evil out of harm’s way.
For example;
John: “I think you are one of the most ignorant people I have ever met. You come from white-trash and you’ll always be white-trash. Why don’t you just go back to the slums you grew up in?”
Note: This type of criticism is void of any useful advice. In fact, all it does is expose John as an underdeveloped person with a lot of built-up anger. There is nothing to argue, defend or refute. Whenever someone serves us this type of malicious criticism do not serve it back, if you do, the game is in play. This type of criticism should be side-stepped and allowed to quickly die.
You: There is only one reason that you would respond to such criticism and that is if you think it has some validity. If someone was to spit such venomous language at us, our natural reaction is anger. We will violently lash out in our defense. In this case if you really believe that you are “so-called white-trash,” then it might be best to have some internal discussions with yourself. It might be vitally important to try to understand why you are painting yourself with such a shallow, prejudicial brush.
In truth, no person without some serious internal issues, would voice such a thing as John had just said. When any of us hear such anger, whether it’s directed toward us or someone else, we would be wise to consider the source, deflect the venom, and leave it at that.
Suppose John said this; “You’ve got purple eyes! You’ve got purple eyes!”
How would you respond to such a statement? In all likelihood you would dismiss it for what it is. Although it’s not easy, treat ALL malicious criticism in the same manner … recognize it, deflect it and forget about it.
All famous people are sitting ducks to malicious criticism. Imagine being Bill Clinton, Martha Stewart, Donald Trump, Oprah Winfrey or George Clooney for a single day. If they allowed malicious criticism to impact their daily lives they wouldn’t come out of their clothes closet!
In fact, it’s not surprising that George Clooney is a consummate master at deflecting criticism.
In a March 2008 article in People Magazine.com by Christina Tapper, she asks the question;
“What do you do when Donald Trump pokes fun at your height and Fabio threatens to beat you up? If you’re George Clooney you take it all in stride – and make a couple jokes, of course.”
When Clooney was asked about the rumor that Fabio, once threatened to beat him up he admitted it was true and that getting beaten up by a big guy like Fabio would be rather painful.
When he was accused of being “gay, gay, gay,” he replies; “No, I’m gay, gay. The third gay – that was pushing it.”
In another example Donald Trump was on Larry King saying; “George Clooney is a very short guy. I mean he’s a tiny guy.” Clooney, who happens to be 5’11”, responded by saying “I’ve met Donald Trump once, and I was sitting at a table. He came over, shook my hand, and walked away. I guess I looked about three foot five sitting at that table.”
How’s THAT for deflection? Who comes out looking like the classier, more capable and likeable person?
We’re all faced with the challenge of confronting “the shot.” It’s nothing as overt and deliberately hostile as our earlier example of John and his white-trash accusation, but it’s that snide comment or quasi criticism that is intended to draw a reaction, or even better, an emotional reaction.
When we’re confronted with this type of comment our natural inclination is to become defensive. We try to convince the other person they’re wrong. Worst move you can make!
If you really want to disarm the snide comment or quasi-criticism then here’s what you do … agree with it. That’s right, agree with it. You will disarm the comment like a popped balloon.
- Picture yourself making a presentation on the importance of Greenpeace and how we all need to pull together to ensure the health of our planet in the future. At the end of your presentation you allow for a question and answer period. The first questioner doesn’t really ask a question but rather accuses you of being a hypocrite because he saw you arrive in a “gas guzzling” SUV.
- You’re a salesmen for an electronics store. You have a great deal on plasma TV’s that will not only give you a large commission, but the boss has asked you to really push this model. The customer says he’s done his research and suggests that you should do the same. “It’s obvious” he states, “an LCD TV is far superior to a plasma TV.”
- One of your co-workers at the insurance company you work for suggests that you should be a little more diplomatic with your customers.
The typical response to any of these statements is to get defensive and respond from an emotional level.
- “So I drove here in an SUV. Do you expect me to walk? If I have to go to another country do you expect me to flap my arms? I think you’re missing the whole point of my presentation. Try and see the big picture and how we all need to pitch-in together for a healthy planet.”
- “I think YOU might want to do some additional research. Not only does plasma have a better picture, but compare the two side-by-side. Besides that, the price on this plasma is the best you’ll find anywhere.”
- “What are you talking about? I’m diplomatic. Yesterday I stayed fifteen minutes late just to make sure I returned all my phone calls. I always ask my clients how they’re doing and how I might be of service. A lot of them don’t speak English good which is maybe why it may sound like I’m not as friendly as I could be.”
So, how did our defendants do? Do you thing they were very successful at swinging their critics over to their point of view? In fact, any kind of defensive tactic only serves to further reinforce the critic’s point of view.
If we were to take a snapshot of what each of these people are thinking after your “defensive” reaction it would probably look similar to this:
- “What an absolute blow-hard. You environmentalists are all the same. Do as I say, not as I do. What a loser!”
- “Hey jerk, I think you’ve got our positions mixed up. I’m the customer. It’s my money and I’ll buy what I want to buy. Don’t try and play the heavy with me!”
- “Yeah, you’re diplomatic all right. I can see your diplomacy in action right now.”
What could each of these people have said that would have totally diffused the situation? They could have agreed with their critic.
- Laughing or smiling you could say; “Yes, you’re absolutely right. Ever since I’ve become an activist for Greenpeace I’ve been trying to live by example. As a result I’m advertising my SUV for sale at a huge loss. Our Greenpeace movement must be gaining widespread acceptance because I still haven’t received a single offer!”
- “It’s nice to be able to talk to a knowledgeable customer. Most people think they prefer the vibrant colors of plasma, but you obviously have a discerning eye. Although the colors of an LCD aren’t as vivid they really do look more natural.”
- “Hey thanks for the heads-up. Sometimes I get so focused on the details I forget to consider how I’m coming across.”
Remember, reacting defensively to malicious criticism is always a mistake. It’s not defensible. If you react emotionally and defensively you automatically give credibility to the statement. If the malicious criticism really rankles you, consider the source, it’s likely coming from a person who has some serious personal issues. If it truly hurts, perhaps you need to look a little deeper into yourself.
End of part one of three parts.
