Casual Criticism
This type of criticism is often the type that is tossed out as a casual remark or observation. It’s not meant to be malicious and it’s not meant to be instructive or constructive. More often than not, it will be said in the spirit of an innocent comment.
Example
“You look better in red than you do in orange.”
“You’ve had this car for quite some time.”
“You should get your eyes checked.”
“Stripes are more becoming on you than checks.”
“You should try and get some more sleep.”
Anyone of these comments can be taken as mean-spirited, or they can be taken for what they were likely meant to be, a harmless comment that the speaker probably forgot about the moment it was uttered.
I have been the recipient of this type of “innocent” criticism far more than once, and I’ve also caught myself dwelling on it for an embarrassingly long time … far more than once!
Whenever I catch myself lamenting over an innocent or offhanded comment, I can always trace it back to an unjustified insecurity. We all have a tendency to inflate such ‘innocuous” comments into gargantuan proportions.
The next time you’re given – no better yet, you’ve accepted – one of these little gems, ask yourself this; “Was it meant to be malicious?” If it was, then it’s not a casual criticism and it doesn’t belong in this category. If it was malicious then it should be dealt with as instructed yesterday on dealing with malicious criticism.
If you think this type of criticism is constructive, then again it’s in the wrong category and you will want to handle it in the manner we will discuss next on dealing with constructive criticism.
If you conclude that the criticism was indeed a casual comment that can be labeled as casual criticism, then give it as much attention as it deserves … dismiss it for what it is and move on.
Constructive Criticism
Believe it or not, constructive criticism is something we should welcome. It’s often difficult, if not impossible, to see our own faults and shortcomings.
Since constructive criticism is neither casual nor malicious, you can think of it as a helpful critique. When anything is critiqued it’s given serious examination and judgment. If we are critiqued by someone we admire and respect, we should not only take the criticism to heart, but we should be grateful. It would be pretty hard to improve your golf swing, your tennis serve or your personality or behavior without receiving and applying constructive criticism. The first step to change always begins with awareness. If we can open ourselves up to constructive criticism we become aware. If we become aware then we have completed the first step.
Constructive criticism, by definition, has to be helpful, after all, it’s constructive!
Accepting Constructive Criticism
There are three simple steps toward accepting constructive criticism;
- Determine that it IS constructive.
- Reflect on what was instructed.
- Act on it.
Whenever you receive some “advice” from a boss, co-worker, spouse or friend, and you know their comments are well-meaning, you would be wise to resist the urge to argue or react defensively. Hear them out. For the time being at least, accept their suggestion without getting your back up. You will need time to reflect on what was said, especially if you weren’t aware of your particular shortcoming. If you weren’t aware of your manner or behavior, don’t protest or rebut the information, you will need time to recall incidents and examples. In fact, respectfully ask your critic for specific examples to help you see the matter from their perspective. It may not be pleasant to hear, but it will be damned enlightening.
Since it’s vitally important that you clearly comprehend the criticism, reiterate your understanding to be sure you and the speaker are in alignment. The speaker will respect you for listening and accepting the advice as opposed to most people’s reactions; rejection, hostility and defensiveness. If the criticism is constructive, whatever you do, don’t try and defend your actions. Bite your tongue, pinch yourself, or pace if you have to, but don’t try to defend or justify. If you do, you will immediately lose face with your critic and later with yourself. If you know there’s some truth to the criticism you may even want to fess up!
“Yes, I guess I haven’t been pulling my weight lately.”
“Thanks, you’re right. From now on I’ll put the paper down when we’re talking.”
“I didn’t realize that I came across as being mean-spirited. I suppose I appear that way when my mind is elsewhere.”
“I guess it may have been me that accidently poisoned your cat after all! Don’t worry, I’ll get you another!”
You cannot grow as a person if you don’t change. If someone you respect has taken the time, and yes “risk,” to help you improve your behavior or action in a positive way, there’s nothing to get defensive about. The person offering constructive criticism probably doesn’t feel overly comfortable with the task either. They’re offering their advice and opinion for your benefit. They’re probably going out on a limb to tell you something that other people refrained from saying. Remember that!
After you’ve listen to, and “accepted,” the criticism, you may want to ask your critic a few follow-up questions to be certain you understand their suggestion for improvement. After that, thank them for their concern and get on with it. That’s it!
End of part two of three parts
