Perceived Criticism
In the first part of this article we talked about the three types of criticism, and then mentioned a fourth type of criticism which we called perceived criticism. The reason it wasn’t listed as a criticism is because perceived criticism wasn’t meant to be critical, it was mistakenly perceived as critical.
This erroneous perception lies at the very heart of poor listening and poor communication. It is the chief cause of arguments, misunderstanding and simmering feuds.
In many cases we confuse hurt feelings and people’s need to be heard as direct criticism of ourselves.
Our failure to listen, to jump to false conclusions and defend ourselves against nonexistent criticisms, result in highly charged emotional reactions, anxiety, misunderstanding and untold damage to our relationships.
Example:
Bob is washing his car on his driveway when he notices the very early stages of rust around one of the fenders. He’s thinking, “Great. I’ve just paid this car off last month and before long I’ll have to start looking for a new one.” Just then his son walks up the driveway and says; “Hey dad, Mr. Wilson just bought a couple of new luxury cars for himself and Mrs. Wilson. She got a convertible and he got some exotic sports car. They are so cool!”
Bob hears: Mr. Wilson sure provides the best for his family. It’s too bad we have to continue to drive this old rust bucket.
Bob defends: “There’s nothing wrong with our car. If you had to walk more often you might appreciate just how good you’ve got it.”
Although this example might register with you as extreme, it’s not at all uncommon for a perfectly innocent remark to cause a volcanic eruption, especially if a person is feeling vulnerable about a particular situation.
The very moment we become defensive, we’ve broken off effective communication. Verbal self defense serves no useful purpose. As we pointed out in the section on malicious criticism, if the person meant to cause us harm, and we respond defensively, that alone is proof of their success and our failure. If the person didn’t mean anything, and we lash out in response, what have we done? What kind of venom did Bob spit at an innocent victim? This is the antithesis of non-listening behavior. It’s the breeding ground for hurt, anger, misunderstanding and argument.
Why Do We Hear Criticism When it Isn’t Even There?
We feel vulnerable, which causes us to automatically defend ourselves. Our focus isn’t on the words, the intent or the other person. Our sole focus is on “me,” on self-preservation.
Example:
Greg and Mary attended his annual company Christmas party. Mary dreads going every year because it’s always the same routine. As they’re driving home Mary shares her feelings for the night.
Mary: “I wish you wouldn’t invite me to your work parties and then ignore me all night. I really don’t know anybody. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. I think I sat alone for an entire twenty minutes.”
Greg: “What do you want me to do? As company vice-president I’m expected to mingle with the staff. It’s not as if I’m purposely avoiding you. I brought you several drinks and we even danced once. What more do you want? I can’t be everywhere at once.”
So, what just happened? Mary expressed her feelings and Greg crapped all over them. He refused to listen to anything she was trying to communicate. He refused to acknowledge how she felt. Greg wouldn’t even take a moment to consider the fact that she may have felt lonely and uncomfortable. All he perceived was an attack that warranted a defense.
Does any of this sound familiar?
If Greg had bothered to listen he could have at least acknowledged Mary’s feelings. In fact, he can justify his behavior until he’s blue-in-the-face, but the reality is this; Mary felt the way she felt. She felt awkward, lonely and embarrassed. That’s an irrefutable fact. Mary expressed her feelings in hope of receiving some compassion and understanding. What she got was a lot of defensive excuses and justification. How’s that for listening and communicating?
Every one of us has been guilty of responding exactly as Greg responded. Instead of listening and acknowledging the other persons feelings, we hear criticism and respond with the human consciousness of a komodo dragon.
We act defensively for only one reason; we hear a negative message about ourselves. In so many cases we completely miss the point. So often our spouses, bosses, friends, children are reaching out to us, trying to express their thoughts, feelings and needs, but because we failed to listen we hear an imaginary attack.
This is such an important point and a key to unlocking one of the major causes of arguements, misunderstandings and poor communication.
Earlier we said that there are three forms of criticism: constructive, casual and malicious. Properly handled, not one of these requires defensive action.
• Constructive criticism should be gratefully accepted.
• Casual criticism should generally be dismissed as irrelevant.
• Malicious criticism, if defended, makes the defendant look foolish.
Let me be the first to admit that this is easier said than done. I occasionally struggle with this and I’m always sorry for it later. If there is one thing to try and remember it’s this; Anytime we find ourselves getting defensive we can safely bet it’s the cause of poor listening. We’re either misinterpreting or we’re not listening … usually both!
Let’s look at one final example and see the types of instinctual defenses we’re all familiar with.
Nancy and Bill have been together for almost twenty-five years. They have three children. Their youngest daughter has just left for her first year of college, and Nancy and Bill can’t help but notice a huge void in their lives.
Nancy is especially concerned that her and Bill have grown apart, and without the binding agent of children in their lives, she’s concerned for their future.
Nancy: “Bill I wish you wouldn’t work late every evening of the week. On Saturdays you golf and on Sunday you spend the day reading the paper and watching sports. We need to spend some time together. I’m afraid we’re becoming strangers.”
Bill can choose a variety of responses. If he was really listening he would hear the concern in Nancy’s voice that they have become strangers. Without the common bond of their children they hardly know each other. On the other hand, Bill could get his back up and feel like his wife is unjustly criticizing him. As a result, and he can resort to one of the classic defensive techniques.
Bill decides to dispute Nancy’s claim: “How can you accuse me of not being around? I was home “on-time” twice this week. I golfed Saturday morning and was home by mid afternoon, and I hardly take the whole day to read the paper. I need a little time to myself you know.”
Or Bill decides to give Nancy a guilt trip: “Nancy I’m sorry. I try my best to be a good husband, father and provider but it just never seems to be enough. Why do I work late? How do you expect to put three kids through college if I don’t put in the hours I do? If you think I enjoy working so much think again. I don’t know what I have to do to try and please you!”
Or Bill decides to deny Nancy’s assertions: “Nancy that’s total crap. I did not work late every evening. I did not go golfing last week, and I can’t even remember the last time I so much as glanced at the Sunday paper. Why do you try and lay a guilt trip on me without all these absurd accusations?”
Each one of these all-too-familiar replies are poster-children for a classic argument. One person reaches out to express their feelings, emotions and concerns, and the other person, in an unjustifiable act of defense, throws a grenade in response.
Bill never bothered to listen. He only heard words. He never bothered to listen for the message.
I won’t bother to give you a laundry list of the seven or ten best things to do when you feel you’re being unjustly criticized. Heck, when I feel like I’m being criticized, especially unjustly, I’m just trying to manage my intake of air!
There’s only one thing to try and remember the next time you feel attacked; stop and listen. Really listen. You will be doing yourself an enormous favor, and you will be extending one of the greatest gifts you can give another person … your full attention and respect.
